A picture is worth a thousand words, but I’m neither a photographer or a painter. As long as I can remember I have sketched images using language.

Welcome to my canvas.

Regardless of where you stand, SCOTUS was wrong
January 14, 2010 in It is what it is - opinion column | Comments (0)

There will be some, no doubt, on the far right leaning side of the spectrum who say that the Supreme Court of the United States did the world a service by squashing the opportunity for televising of the Prop 8 trial currently underway in San Francisco.

While I certainly appreciate that everyone is due their opinion, in this case, I must say those people are just wrong.

Whether on the right or left, the need for transparency and openness in matters of great public interest is critical, and this week SCOTUS had the opportunity to do a great service to the people of this nation - the chance not only to help educate and inform people about the way in which our judicial system works but also the chance to shed light on a matter of great importance to our country.

Today's New York Times ran an Op-Ed on this topic. While those same people who agree with (and even likely influnced) SCOTUS' decision would disagree (and I certainly admit to understanding the NY Time's more left-leaning filter), this Op-Ed speaks the truth.

SCOTUS has shown that while the George W. Bush Administration may no longer be camping in the White House, the remnants of that disaster - like the devastation of Katrina - remain and will plague us for some time to come.

A CES Conversation: Social Media, Privacy, Security and Government
January 03, 2010 in Other Than That - news, business & other nonsense | Comments (0) | #trackbacks">TrackBack (1)

This week marks the start of a New Year - it also marks the annual trek to Vegas for the Consumer Electronics Show. One of the largest trade shows in existence, this gathering will pull geeks of all stripes - from consumer electronics and software wonks to stereo and A/V addicts to automotive and mobile maniacs.

So of course I'm going.

This trip is my second as an Intel Insider, and so thanks to my host I'll be scooting around Vegas and to an array of events. They're also gracious enough to be opening their Upload Lounge to me on Thursday, January 7 for what portends to be a lively and amazing conversation.

From 3:00pm to 4:00pm Vegas time (which is Pacific) on Thursday, January 7, I'll be settling in at the Intel Booth (Central Hall #7153) with social media powerhouses Brian Solis and Chris Brogan, Intel Fellow Genevieve Bell as well as California State Attorney General Candidate (and former Chief Privacy Officer of Facebook) Chris Kelly.

Why am I doing this? Simple.

In the last couple of years, the meteoric rise of social networks and social media platforms have blasted open the nature of what privacy means online - for individuals as well as brands. During 2009 we witnessed an array of issues from a mother posing as one of her daughter's classmates on MySpace in order to bully the child, an act that resulted in the child committing suicide and the mother being charged. We've seen the FTC set parameters in place for bloggers, requiring a new level of accountability, disclosure and transparency.

And the list goes on.

With the New Year upon us and so many folks gathering in Vegas for this digital geekfest, I wanted to spark some discussion about the role government can/should/may play when it comes to security, privacy and identity on-line. How can governments better use technology to ... well ... be better governments? What can individuals do to protect themselves and how should we each be looking at our on-line presence and activity in this new decade? What about brands and businesses? How can they maintain a sense of security and protection over their livelihoods and should they be held to different standards than individuals now that people are also brands?

So that's what we're going to do. At 3:00pm on January 7, we'll gather at Intel's booth in the Las Vegas Convention Center for a casual meet-up and moderated discussion. Yes, it will be a bit of a panel, but the plan is to open the discussion and turn it into a true group debate with whomever shows up at the booth ...

If you're going to be in Vegas - come join us!

If you can't be there in person but still want to participate, you have some options too!

Via blog: Comment HERE by 5:00pm Pacific Time on Weds., Jan. 6
On Twitter: Send an "@" message to @cathybrooks OR send a tweet with the hashtag #otherthanthat
On Ustream: We'll have a live stream of the conversation here.

"Shiny" in the City of Lights: A Social Media Club House tour with Briller en Ville
December 09, 2009 in Traveling Geeks | Comments (0)

Paris is known as the City of Lights, and that is perhaps never more true than during the holiday season. Every street, every storefront, even every tree along the Champs de Elysees is glittery and alight with sparkle and shine. For Parisians who are truly in the know, however, as well as visitors who like the inside track, there is a shiny option year round. The site is called Briller en Ville, or "Shiny in the City".

At this point, unless you speak French (or have a really good translator) unfortunately you're out of luck as this year-old site and newsletter still only shares its secrets in French. If you can, however, it's worth dipping into the site's content because you'll discover the hottest boutiques, restaurants and places to go.

What's that you say? This sounds like Daily Candy? It may well be, but where Daily Candy always has felt to me targeted towards a distinctly younger crowd, Briller en Ville feels like it's for grown-ups.

While at LeWeb 2008 I had the pleasure of meeting Briller en Ville's founder, Juliette Dumas. She had only just started the site (focused mostly on the email newsletter), and had great aspirations for its growth. As the Social Media Club House posse began ruminating on plans for our days in Paris before LeWeb 2009, I immediately thought of Juliette and reached out to see if she'd be willing to give us a little carbon-based world experience of her digital domain.

She graciously agreed. The details of our walking tour come after the video ... but first take a listen to Juliette's overview of her business and how social media helps make places like Paris more accessible.

Meeting us at the Social Media Club House, Juliette had arranged a walking tour of our neighborhood, which was the 6th arrondissement.

Our first stop was Frederic Malle, a high end parfumerie where the top "noses" create custom scents for French society. Floor-to-ceiling glass cylinders stood in each corner of the room. These "smelling chambers" gave patrons an opportunity to experience various scents. We tried to take photos, but apparently the diffusing mechanism in the column is proprietary so they asked that we refrain. A pity because the sight of curious geeks peering into these tubes was quite amusing.

Next it was off to an aromatic experience of an entirely different ilk ... or perhaps I should say milk. Barthelemy ranks consistently among the top cheese shops in all of Paris ... and it was merely 3 blocks from our apartment. If sweet is your taste rather than savory, our next stop would appeal. La Patisserie des Reves takes the idea of a Parisian patisserie to an art form; and it's no wonder. The pastry chef behind these truly beautiful creations is Philippe Conticini.

From there we wandered along rue de Bac, passing myriad design stores and an array of children's stores. The one Juliette pointed out in particular, Bonton, is among the places to go for the well-dressed tykes in Paris. (If you've not already clicked the link for the store's site, you'll be glad to know that you can shop there online ... and in English!)

We drooled on many a store window and proffered a cascading chorus of oohs & ahhs at amazing architecture and stunningly fashionable Parisians.

Then we got hungry.

So off to Cuisine de Bar - a tasty eatery attached to the famed Poilane Bakery.

Of course the first thing you want to see after eating lunch is clothing, especially bathing suits, and so we wandered by Eres Swimwear and Lingerie.

Very sexy stuff ... if not a bit depressing ... and what's better for that, than chocolate. Thankfully we were around the corner from Maison du Chocolat where we saw this remarkable confection in the window:

At that point I had to scoot back to the Club House to get ready for Social Media Hour, and left my compatriots in Juliette's capable hands for a quick wander through La Bon Marche.

My only complaint of the day ... not enough time.

A Little Chair Leads to Big Conversation: Our Monday and the Live Stream Schedule from La Social Media Club House
December 08, 2009 in Traveling Geeks | Comments (0)

With all that's going on, we wanted to share a recap of our Monday and give everyone the lowdown for this week's schedule of live broadcasts from La Social Media Club House...

It was a big Monday for the SMCH gang! After a morning of croissants and coffee, we hit the road (sans Scoble who would spend the afternoon kickin' it in Paris with Michael Arrington & Gabe Rivera)and met up with Patrice Lamothe, CEO of Pearltrees, for an exquisite seafood lunch and a stroll through Montmarte. (Video of that conversation to be posted later.)

From there we split up, with Chris and Kristie heading for the Eiffel Tower while Dana Oshiro and I headed underground to traverse Paris by Metro back to the Club House. After a few hours we four regrouped at La Cantine.

We were to have dinner near the Club House with Colette Ballou of Ballou PR. As the La Cantine cocktail party drew to a close, in whooshed the fabulous Colette - there to escort us by Metro back to our neighborhood. American born, Parisian-infused Colette is one of the truly effervescent people I know. On top of that she runs what I believe is one of the best PR firms on this side of the pond.

She'd graciously found a dinner spot, La Petite Chaise, that was literally yards away from our apartment's front door. Besides location, the cuisine was divine. Colette proceeded to tell us that it also had a slightly scandalous history.

At one time, the neighborhood in which we sat had been largely fields and woods, dotted with mansions and lodges that were used by the gentry for hunting ... and for trysts with their mistresses. Thus the phrase "hunting" had an amusing double entendre. Mike Sigal, co-founder of Guidewire Group, joined us for dinner. Much laughter and copious amounts of food later, we returned to the Club House for the first of our daily, live stream broadcasts. Sadly, something got borked with the stream so there's no archive - which is a real shame because the conversation was saucy and fun, thoughtful and provocative.

Much of our discussion centered around the evolution of the real-time web and the impact it has had - both good and bad - on the way in which content is gathered and consumed. We also talked about the nature of accuracy and how in the rush to be first, more often than not the real-time web results in many factual gaffes, which range from humorous to potentially dangerous.

It was a lively debate and portends well for the chock-full schedule we have ahead this week.

So that you don't miss a beat, here's the schedule of our streaming activities from this week's LeWeb fun at La Social Media Club House. In between we'll be stuffing the Tweetstream, Flickr and any number of other platforms with news, interviews and perspectives.

We welcome questions for the guests as well as suggestions or recommendations on topics and themes to cover.

STREAMING SCHEDULE FROM LA SOCIAL MEDIA CLUB HOUSE
NOTE THAT ALL TIMES ARE GMT +1 (AKA PARIS TIME) and each of the following items has a direct link to the location at which you can find the stream.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009
9:30am - 10:30am: Fabrice Epelboin - Editor, ReadWriteWeb/France

4:00pm - 5:00pm: SOCIAL MEDIA HOUR with guests: Osama Bedier, PayPal; Gary Shainberg, British Telecom (BT); Chris Sacca, former Googler turned investor; and some special surprises.
To catch the live stream, click on this link for BlogTalkRadio.
If you miss the live show, the archive will be on the Social Media Hour blog here.

12:00am - 12:30am: Daily Dish - A 30-minute, live video stream on the Social Media Club's Justin.TV channel in which we talk about what we did and what we think.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009
12:00am - 12:30am Daily Dish - A 30-minute, live video stream on the Social Media Club's Justin.TV channel in which we talk about what we did and what we think.

Thursday, December 10, 2009
12:30am - 1:00am Daily Dish - A 30-minute, live video stream on the Social Media Club's Justin.TV channel in which we talk about what we did and what we think.

Amusement of Expectations: Preparing for LeWeb 2009
December 07, 2009 in Traveling Geeks | Comments (0)

We all do it.

As each technological innovation enters our sphere, we become ever so quickly accustomed to whatever feature, functionality or convenience it proffers. This isn't exactly revolutionary comment, and as detailed by Louis CK on the Conan O'Brien show, when considered through a lens not muddied by bits and bytes, it's pretty humorous.

That didn't stop me from issuing a rather hefty harumph when I boarded the first of my two flights to Paris Saturday morning to make my way to Paris for LeWeb and found out there not only weren't power outlets at the seats, they had no Wi-Fi.

Like I said, harumph.

Two rows away Robert Scoble (one of the compatriots with whom I'll be camping out at the Social Media Club House this week), gave an almost Gallic shrug and pulled out his Kindle.

Having been spoiled by so many a Wi-Fi connected flights of late, I felt my frustration rise. Several of the key "to do's" on my flight list for the SFO to Dulles leg of the trip required a 'Net connection.

Taking a breath, the wash of indignation transformed quickly, as I began to think about things I'd actually be able to do on this flight.

Without being hit by the rat-a-tat-tat of my usual social media Gatling gun, maybe I could get some things done. "But Cathy," I can hear you say. "You work with social media all the time and always seem to manage ... what are you talking about?"

It's a valid question, and this is where I make a confession. I'm not great at multi-tasking. It's not that I can't do quite a few things at once, because I can, but when it comes to activities that require a bit more brain power, like writing, I need to put on blinders because the truth is, I distract easily.

It hasn't always been that way ... and I blame the technology.

The persistent flow from the real-time web fire hose with which I steep myself daily serves as the perfect set of distractions. After all, how can I possibly turn away from Twitter or Facebook? I might miss something. Much like little kids who struggle against heavy eyelids, insisting to their parents that they're not tired, that they want to stay up for the party for fear of missing something, I sometimes think we digitally saturated sorts forget that sometimes unplugging is a good thing.

Okay so it's not exactly as though someone is holding a gun to my head making making me consume all this content in such an incessant fashion. Nor is mass consumption really a new thing for me. I've always had a voracious appetite for information. I even had my own reading group in first grade because I just devoured books more quickly than anyone else. Even that speed, however, can't begin to compare with the sheer magnitude of information that I, like so many others, gulp down every day. Frankly it's not about the speed, nor is it really about the volume, for me it just feels as though there used to be more time to digest and discuss things, that my consumption used to be more thoughtful or at least a bit more thought filled.

So as I made my way across the Atlantic, having consumed several magazines, a few chapters of a book, watched a few movies and chatted a bit with an ever-so-nice lawyer sitting across the aisle, I thought about the week that is to come.

I'm terribly excited about the grand adventures in store for me and the wonderful housemates at La Social Media Club House. With less than 24 hours on the ground, already we've wandered around Paris, done some shopping and had a splendid home-cooked meal with our buddies from PayPal. You can check out Robert's Flickr stream for the latest (I've posted a few below for your enjoyment!)

Mostly, though, I'm looking forward to what I hope to be a truly blended experience - analog meeting digital - and taking the time to savor each bit.

(Photos below courtesy of Robert Scoble)

Me, Chris Heuer, Kristie Wells & Dana Oshiro enjoying the beautiful Christmas decor at Gallerie Lafayette

Exhausted & bleary-eyed at Charles de Gaulle waiting for luggage

Artsy shot of me, Chris, Kristie & Dana as a Metro train whooshes in

I think this one says it all (a series of them were in a store window we passed on our Sunday stroll)

'Tis the Season: Assuaging Holiday Season Stress
December 06, 2009 in It is what it is - opinion column | Comments (0)

Holiday season is wonderful.

It's also incredibly stressful.

That's why when my friend Alison Leigh Siegel told me about some of the plans she has for the holiday season I felt compelled to write about it.

Alison is an MFT with a background that blends both classically trained therapy techniques with somatic (body-oriented) practice. For the uninitiated who may not know what, precisely, somatic therapy is, here's the gist. For every stressful, anxiety-inducing experience we have in our lives, there is a directly correlated reaction in the body. At a simple level this could manifest as those ever-so-pesky knots so many people have in their neck and shoulders (mine tend to bunch up behind my right scapula). In more intense cases, "holding" stress can result in any number of physical ailments ranging from headaches and digestive issues to heart problems and more.

For the last 20 years Alison has been working with clients (more than 10,000 people across her various modalities of therapy) helping them relax, tune in to their core energy and focus in order to live the kind of life they know they want but may be having a hard time reaching.

By working from the core outward – meaning by getting people grounded in their bodies – Alison helps her clients achieve results in a truly holistic (in the full sense of whole) sense of truth, balance and authenticity. She accomplishes this through three basic methods:

1. Traditional psychotherapy: With solutions both for individuals and couples, Alison's counseling helps address an array of issues, not the least of which may be dealing with family over the holidays.

2. Coaching and skills training: Having worked with top executives from many industries, Alison also has developed a strong practice in basic coaching and skills training for professionals.

3. Bodywork/massage work: Though it would seem mostly a physical solution, Alison's work in this area also can achieve a powerful emotional release. It also just feels great.

What does this have to do with tech stuff?

Well, that's where the conversation with Alison about holiday season caught my truly geeky attention. She's using social media for her work. Of course massage/bodywork requires in person sessions, but for traditional therapy as well as her life/professional coaching, Alison is taking advantage of Skype as a way to deliver powerful therapy solutions for time-crunched individuals - a particularly valuable thing during the already saturated schedule time of holiday season. In the coming weeks she also will be developing her presence on Facebook and leveraging Twitter as well as YouTube to provide ongoing insights, commentary and resources for time-constrained individuals who need to find a way to take that first step towards more balanced emotional health.

When I told her that I wanted to write about this, Alison proffered another little tidbit - a discount! If you're reading this and you decide you want to try it out, or perhaps give a gift to someone who needs it, she's offering a 50 percent discount on her rates through January 1, 2010 to anyone who mentions my name when they book an hour-long session. (She emphasized that the discount isn't just for technology-based therapy, but for all her therapeutic services through the holidays.)

Here's my disclaimer - Alison and I are close, so you may think that biases my perspective. So don't take my word for it, you can read some of her reviews for yourself. She has testimonials on LinkedIn as well as some stellar reviews on Yelp.

Looking forward to 2010, Alison also is starting a school to expand her ability to educate people and support their therapeutic needs. At "The Feel Institute" Alison and a team of skilled professionals will be teaching an array of classes and workshops designed to guide people into deeper, more qualitative communications. Some of the initial classes planned include:

Emotional Skills Training: For social situations or at work (how to be better in relationships with co-workers, boss, etc)

Sensory Awareness: learning how to feel more with your senses (gives you greater sense of pleasure in everything you do)

Sexual Etiquette: So you think you know what to do? Think again. Learn some basics ... and then some.

Be a bitch without bitching: For women to learn the best way to seize their inner fierceness and still feel good about themselves. (I'm teaching the first class!)

Relationship Communications 101: Learning how to talk - and listen - with your partner

So don't let the stress of the holiday get to you. Do something for yourself (or someone you love), loosen up the calendar crush of holidays and roll into the New Year firing on all cylinders.

And if you're a friend of mine, yes a massage for Chrisma-Kwanz-ukah would be lovely, thank you. :)

Comings, Goings, Doings: Events & Activities at La Social Media Club House at LeWeb 2009
December 02, 2009 in Traveling Geeks | Comments (0)

It's official. I'm so excited I may very well explode.

Given the amazing activities that lie ahead for the gaggle of geeks who will be setting up camp at La Social Media Club House in Paris next week, it's no wonder.

During this morning's Social Media Hour, Chris Heuer and Dana Oshiro joined me to talk about some of the fun we have planned. (Today's episode also featured Eliane Fiolet and Renee Blodgett, two of the Traveling Geeks - another posse of pals also en route to Paris for next week's LeWeb conference.

While much of our time is rather jammed already, no doubt new adventures and surprises will arise along the way, but for now, here's the basic gist of what will keep us busy while we traipse around the City of Lights.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 6
The Club House gang arrives in Paris.
All day long - Five of our six housemates will roll into town. (All but Stephanie Booth, who arrives on Tuesday.) We'll set up shop, find the local patisserie and such.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 7
Morning adventures
8:00am - We'll head out to find the perfect pain au chocolat and, of course, coffee. Lots of coffee. Then it's back to the house to get ready for day 1!

An anti-tourist outing
11:00am - Departing the house we'll meet up with the fabulous Patrice Lamothe who has kindly offered to show us around part of Paris. We'll spend most of our time exploring the nooks and crannies of some neighborhoods where tourists generally don't stray. Of course this will be hungry making so there will be more eating.

Meeting some of our people
5:00pm - It's off to La Cantine - a splendid co-working location in Paris where, courtesy of Social Media Club, we'll have a cocktail reception and spend time with the team from Viadeo.

Regroup and Refuel
7:30pm - After much exploration and conversation it's back to the Social Media Club House to rest a bit, sort out some content from the day, and possibly head out for some evening adventures.

Recap, rewind and look ahead
11:00pm - The first of our daily, live stream recap shows. We'll settle in over wine and tea, talk about the day's events and look forward to day 2

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 8
Morning adventures, part deux
8:00am - Another trip to snare some morning sustenance including coffee. Lots of coffee.

Coffee and Conversation
9:00am - 11:00am - Over a leisurely breakfast we'll welcome some local entrepreneurs to the Club House to learn more about their work and the state of innovation in Paris. Confirmed guest will be Fabrice Epelboin with a surprise or two potentially in store.

Who needs Santa Claus?
11:30a - It's easy to find the big department stores and major shopping districts in Paris, but to really explore behind the scenes, we've enlisted the help of Juliette Dumas, the woman behind Briller en Ville - kind of like Daily Candy, but more sassy and for Paris. We'll grab a little lunch and explore the hidden gems and hottest spots the Parisians love.

LIVE, from PARIS, it's ... SOCIAL MEDIA HOUR!
4:00pm - I'm bringing my weekly talk show to the City of Lights at a special time (4pm in Paris, so 7am Pacific/10am Eastern). Our guests will include: Osama Bedier and Naveed Anwar from PayPal; JP Rangaswami and Gary Shainberg from British Telecom; Shervin Pishevar from SGN; Former Googler turned investor Chris Sacca and most of the Club House posse (Chris, Kristie, Robert and Dana)

Bloggers, Bloggers and More Bloggers!
5:30pm - The Club House clan along with our PayPal(s) are honored to be guests at the exclusive gathering for the Official Blogger program of LeWeb. We give thanks to our fellow Club Houser, Stephanie Booth, along with the event organizers Frédéric de Villamil and Damien Douani, for including us!

Nightlife and hitting the town
8:00pm - There are several parties related to LeWeb, along with an Ignite gathering. Keep an eye on Twitter for updates from the house, or any one of our housemates for specifics.

Recap, rewind and look ahead
11:00pm - Our second, daily, live stream recap show. We'll settle in over wine and tea, talk about the day's events and look forward to day 2

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 9
LeWeb 2009
8:00am - 10:00pm From day break until well past sunset we'll be all about covering this event - one of, if not the, top tech gatherings in Europe. During the days we'll cover the event proceedings - streaming video, recording interviews, Tweeting and live blogging. Once the conference stage goes dark, we'll head to the array of events, providing perspective and color commentary from each venue.

Recap, rewind and look ahead
11:00pm - Our third, daily, live stream recap show, and the first to review the conference itself. We'll settle in over wine and tea, talk about the day's events and look forward to day 2

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 10
LeWeb 2009
8:00am - 10:00pm - See what it says we'll do on Wednesday? We're going to do that all over again.

Recap, rewind and ... collapse
11:00pm - Our final, daily, live stream recap show and the last formal programming that will come from Social Media Club House!

Shameless plug time ... oh wait, this IS *my* blog...
October 21, 2009 in Other Than That - news, business & other nonsense | Comments (0)

If you've missed it in the last few days, I've been rather vocal about my participation as one of the finalists in the Panasonic "Living in HD" Insider competition.

For some background, this is a contest in which Panasonic asked folks to submit videos saying why they should be chosen to win. What you win is pretty sweet - it's a passel of new A/V gear and the opportunity to be a featured content provider on the LiHD Community site for a year!

In any case, I'm one of 10 finalists. Most of us are getting spanked by some guy whose great claim to fame seems to be "um ... I have 3,000 YouTube subscribers and 5,000 fans on Facebook". I'm a bit unclear as to what he does exactly, but he seems like a nice enough fellow.

Anyway, I have some higher aspirations for this program ... and created a Fan page on Facebook for it.

TO VOTE FOR ME, JUST CLICK ON THIS LINK - It takes you to the LiHD competition page and on the right hand side you'll see the list of names and can vote ... please do!!!

VOTING DEADLINE IS 11:59PM EASTERN TIME ON FRIDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2009

Oh, and I've never created a personal Facebook fan page or an ad on Facebook before ... here's the one I made today :)
Vote for Cathy to be the next Panasonic LiHD Insider!

Promote Your Page Too

Oh ... and check out THIS bad boy ... I mean girl :)

Navigating that river in Egypt: From denial to understanding and maybe, just maybe, to acceptance
October 19, 2009 in It is what it is - opinion column | Comments (0)

When I tell people about the coming out conversation I had with my mother 9 years ago, it never fails to elicit a chuckle, usually followed immediately by a somewhat embarrassed, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I don't mean to laugh."

Thing is, it was funny, and it went like this.

Picture a beachfront apartment building in Boca Raton, FL. My mother and I are lounging quietly in chairs on her terrace overlooking the crystalline blue waves lapping below. It had been almost a year since my father died, and I was growing increasingly pained with the lie of omission that was my failure to come out.

For some background, I was a late bloomer on the whole lesbian thing. My first experience with a woman was in the summer of 1996. The experience freaked me out sufficiently that I found myself dating men and women for a couple of years, trying to figure things out. By 1998 I was sure, and was ready to tell the family.

That's when my father got sick.

At that point the only thing that mattered was focusing on my father's well being. The family pulled together supporting my dad through the ups and downs of his treatment, celebrating the few bright moments of hope for recovery and ultimately dealing with the deterioration of his health and his death in March of 2000.

In any case, in late 2000 I made a trip to Florida to see my mother. One of my objectives on this trip was to tell her I was gay.

We spent several days together - going to the beach, to the mall, to the movies. Every day I looked for an opening, an appropriate moment. Finally came the day we opted to just hang out at the apartment, enjoying the spectacular ocean vista my father had loved so much.

It had been an hour or so of relative silence, and I decided it was time. Taking a deep breath I began, "Mom, I have something to tell you, and it's hard for me to say because I know that it will upset you."

Before I could open my mouth to utter the next sentence, my mother interrupted, "What's the matter?! Are you sick?"

I replied, "No mom, what I..."

She interrupted again, "Did you lose your job?"

I replied again, "No mom, actually I..."

"Is it your apartment?" she interjected, "Do you have to move?"

And so it went for a few more exchanges. Me, trying to get a word in edgewise and she spewing out questions about my job, my apartment, my friends, my car, even my dog and cat.

Finally, this query, "Are you pregnant?"

At last, an opening! "Well ... no." I paused. "You see mom, in order for me to be accidentally pregnant, I'd have to be having sex with men."

I paused. Silence.

That's when I realized that I had my eyes squeezed shut waiting for her response. I opened them slowly, looked at her and saw that she was sitting still, staring blankly out across the ocean.

After what felt like an eternity she spoke, "Well, I don't think any less of you, but I don't think it's true. I don't believe you ... My goodness, that's a very large boat out there, isn't it?"

Yeah, kinda like that.

This almost comical capacity for denial wasn't altogether new to me. My family has never been much for confrontation. That said, I'd just delivered a rather solid piece of life-changing information and it was brushed off.

I chalked it up to the fact that it was probably somewhat overwhelming and figured I'd take another run at the subject another time. I did. I tried quite a few more times over the coming years, and each occasion was met with an increased level of dismissal. Even my attempts to talk about friends who were gay or events that I might attend, for NCLR or EQCA were brushed off and dismissed, often with a "that's nice" and a stark subject change.

So I gave up.

After a somewhat tense family visit in January 2007 I stopped visiting altogether.

I continued speaking to my mother. Phone calls, emails and the occasional Skype vidoe chat kept us in touch, but I had written off spending any physical time with her. It was just too painful.

I would not be the first person to come out whose family had rejected the idea of their being gay. I would not be the first person who chose to divorce themselves of those family ties in order to move forward and lead a productive life.

If only it were that easy. Of course, it isn't.

While I seemed to be fine, the truth was that this rift with my mother was nothing more than a briefly inactive fault line, and as I began increasing my activism for LGBT equal rights, the molten magma underneath began to bubble and the plates began to shift.

In early August 2009 I attempted to participate in Camp Courage/East LA. I say "attempted" because while I made my way to Camp and even got my badge and sat with my group, it was about half way into the first story telling exercise that I came unglued. We were talking about our reasons for being involved in the movement, and as I began talking about my desire to help people tell their truth, I realized that I was failing to tell my own.

Leaving Camp early I pulled the plug on most of my activism. I stopped writing about LGBT issues and stopped participating in activities. However, I was still determined to attend the National Equality March in October.

At least I was planning on it until my mother asked me to come visit.

Hearing her voice I realized that until I spoke with her and at least made one more attempt to get her to "see" me, I couldn't in good faith continue speaking out - and to me a march in Washington was the ultimate of that.

As my fellow activists were getting ready to head for DC, I angled my trajectory to Boca Raton. Thanks to some great counsel from a wonderful woman (a woman who I hope one day to introduce to my mother), I felt prepared, but still nervous. I thought about when I wanted to have the conversation, where to have it, how to start it - so many thoughts racing through my mind.

So imagine my surprise when, on my first morning in Florida while sitting half submerged alongside my mother in her pool, the words just came out of my mouth.

My mother had said something about how nice it was that I was visiting and that I should come more often.

Taking a deep breath, I began. "Mom, I would come more often, but there's a reason I don't come. It's not that I don't love you. It's that it's just too hard ... too painful ... I know you don't like that I'm gay. I know it's not what you want for me, but that's how it is. That's who I am. And when I try to speak with you about my activism or about anything in my life and you dismiss it, it feels as though you are dismissing me. And that hurts."

I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, and so I paused. Before I began again, I heard my mother clear her throat, so I waited. Then she spoke. She spoke of the difficulty she had in seeing me as gay because I don't fit the images she has in her mind of a what a lesbian is "supposed to" look like. She spoke of her concern for my safety and wanting me to be safe. She spoke of many things, but it was what she said at the end that brought it all home: "Cathy, I love you and I just want you to be happy. That is all that matters."

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and gave me a big smile.

And then she changed the subject.

Acceptance
September 26, 2009 in It is what it is - opinion column | Comments (0)

The other day I was walking in Alta Plaza Park and ran into a friend - a dog park friend with whom I've actually socialized in the real world ... even without dogs.

She and I were talking about something I'm experiencing with regards to relationships - the personal kind, the life partner kind.

Quite recently Josie had very serious surgery. After recovery - actually she wasn't even really fully back to speed yet - she found herself on a journey to Bhutan. On that trip she learned many things of their culture, including about love and relationships. So after listening to my story, Josie took a moment and smiled.

This is not, by the way, verbatim or intended to be her words. It's my approximation of the tale. So, while spoken in "her voice", I do not mean to represent these as what she said. With that disclaimer...

She said: In Bhutan, they do not have a word for I. It doesn't exist. Everything is viewed and experienced as an "us" or "we". Life is about the collective experience. As for love, that doesn't translate either. Of course they have the experience of it, but if it were translated into English, the word would be acceptance.

It makes perfect sense, really. After all, who are those we love except the people who know us for who we are (and vise versa) and yet they love us (and vise versa) anyway. When my parents were celebrating their 40th anniversary, I remember quite clearly having conversations with each of my parents asking them that logical question: "So ... what's the secret to a happy, long-lasting marriage?"

Perhaps not so strangely they replied with pretty much the same thing, just said from different views.

My father's take was to think about the other person and list the top 10 things about them that bother you, then forget about all but the very top one - and realize that's not going away either, it just may be the source for arguing on occasion.

My mother's take was a bit more philosophical. She said so long as two people's moral compass pointed to the same True North, you can figure the rest out.

Point is - people don't change. Behaviors can, of course, but who a person is, that's hard wired pretty early on.

I'll avoid any self-indulgent pontificating about the in's and out's of my personal journey in the last several weeks, but suffice to say that in reconnecting with someone very important from my past, I seem to have taken an accelerated crash course in personal growth.

As so often happens in these types of times, it also seems that the lessons and messages are being repeated over and over - and from almost every angle. So I suppose it should not surprise me that this morning, upon turning the page in a lovely book I have called Offerings I was greeted by this quote:

"The act of acceptance, of acknowledging that change is a natural part of our interaction with others, can play a vital role in our relationships. These transitional periods can become pivotal points when true love can begin to mature and flower. We are now in a position to truly begin to know the other. To see the other as a separate individual, with faults and weaknesses perhaps, but a human being like ourselves. It is only at this point that we can make a genuine commitment, a commitment to the growth of another human being - an act of true love.
-- The 14th Dalai Lama

As the weekend wends its way forward, pointing my eyes towards tomorrow night's sunset and Kol Nidre*, the start of the most important day on the Jewish calendar, Yom Kippur, I find myself feeling a bit daunted by the challenges ahead, but exhilarated and inspired by the amazing people with whom I'm so blessed to be surrounded.

So to those with whom I've already crossed paths and those who may come to this note long after today's date, I hope in reading this that whatever personal challenges or choices are currently at your fore you find inspiration or perhaps even comfort in the reminder that you're not alone.

*Sadly the YouTube video for this link is disabled for embedding. It's a beautiful recording of Johnny Mathis singing the haunting Kol Nidre prayer. If you've never heard this service, and you haven't clicked on that link already, here it is again (to save you the scrolling ). It's not the typical cantorial chant with choir, but it is lovely.